Accepting diagnosis is like riding a train
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Accepting diagnosis is like riding a train

› Forums › Cutaneous Melanoma Community › Accepting diagnosis is like riding a train

  • Post
    • May 6, 2017 at 2:36 am
    Ridingaroundwith27Jennifers
    Participant

      Once you get on this train, for it is a very much like a train, there is no getting off.  My cancer journey started in July of 2016 and has been moving ahead full speed since then.  There are no breaks.  There is no time to absorb what's happening.  The doctor says "jump" and we say "how high".  

      Looking back I have to say that I had a routine mole screen 11 years ago and had a suspicious mole removed.  It turned out to be pre-stage 1 and so I quickly had re-removal surgery.  I've had all my routine mole screens since then and they always told me not to worry.  I was perfectly healthy and doing fine.

      When the initial lumps showed up the dermatologist told me not to worry and said it was just fatty tissue.  He didn't even want to biopsy.  I had to push very hard for over a month to get proper care.  Luckily my primary care was on my side and helped me get a biopsy, CT scan, and treatment.

      Now I dread the appointments, the IVs, the blood draws.  I'm on immunotherapy and have had brain surgery plus SRT radiation for an aggressive brain met.  I know I have it easier than most so I shouldn't complain.  It's just that it takes everything from you.  First it takes the feeling of safety.  Then it takes your routine.  Next it takes your ability to care for your children and your ability to work.  So you go on short term disability and pray you can pay the bills.  You teach your husband how to cook and do the laundry and pay the bills.  You fantasize about getting to exercise and to drive your car.  What I wouldn't give for a half glass of wine.

      The worst part is the look that almost everyone gives you.  I'm sure you know it.  The "you have cancer" face that they can't seem to hide.  No one knows what to say to you so it is awkward.  Even close friends get strange.  Then comes the barage of kindness.  Everyone wants to help so they call or text or send a note to let them know what they can do to help you out.  Honestly, I never know how to answer this question.  I end up thanking them and telling them I'll let them know.  

      The cancer is in control now.  I can't slow down this train and I can't get off.  I just want to go back to my life.  Play with my kids and go to work and worry about whether the green shirt is clean for green shirt day.  Yes, this is an actual thing at my daughter's school.  So this is me trying to accept my diagnosis a full eight months after first being diagnosed.

      Thanks.  

      Just another Jennifer

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    • Replies
        • May 6, 2017 at 2:42 am
        jennunicorn
        Participant

          From one Jennifer to another, you have every right to complain! We all do, no matter what stage or cirumstance, melanoma is a b*tch and sometimes I like to let her know it. I often refer to all of this as a roller coaster, the ups and downs and twists and turns I've gone through the past year and a half since diagnosis has been maddening. I totally understand wanting life to go back to the way it was, I have that exact same thought all the time. Huge reason why I love this forum so much is knowing that I am really not alone. Have that half glass of wine, I certainly don't say no to a glass once in a while, no reason to make my life even MORE abnormal than it already is.

          Hugs from a fellow Jennifer 🙂

          • May 6, 2017 at 3:41 am
          Bubbles
          Participant

            Yes, Jennifer – all you said is true.  Melanoma is frightening, infuriating, frustrating, and sucks great big green hairy wizard balls.  I've been dealing with it since 2003, when my children were only 10 and 12. However, despite all the lab draws, and surgery, and SRS to a brain tumor, and a clinical trial of immunotherapy that I had to travel out of state for…I am still here.  Here to see my children living the lives they choose on their own.  After the shock and horror waned, I decided that I was going to LIVE!!!  Meaning, I was not going to GIVE melanoma my life BEFORE it took my life.  Does that mean I liked all the things I was forced, by melanoma, to do in order to live?  Not one little bit.  But we have come a long way.  Treatments are now available that actually save lives. Not enough, not nearly enough…but it is something.  Things will get better…though that may seem impossible just now.  Hang in there.  Breathe. Have a glass of wine.  Go for a run or a walk if you can.  Do the things that make you, YOU!  Rant, rave, use the comfort and knowledge that this forum can provide. There are some pretty cool and amazing peeps here…especially the Jennifers!!!

            Will melanoma take my life?  Maybe.  But not today.  I wish you well.  Celeste

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