Coping with guilt

This topic has 9 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by kylez.

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- May 1, 2017 at 8:54 pm
- Quote
Firepoppi
Participant
I am looking for some help, and in reading many of the forum posts, I am hoping to find it here.

I am 38yo woman, very fair skinned. I used tanning beds substantially in my late teens and early 20s. In the last 3 years, I have had 3 mid-to-severe atypical moles identified. Two were removed. The last one will be removed in the coming weeks, which I'm told will require a 2 week rehab on crutches. I have two young daughers, ages 4 and 6, and have been told I am high risk for melanoma.

I absolutely cannot shake the guilt that I have brought this risk on myself and my children. My father died in a car accident when I was 10, and it took me well into my adulthood to recover. I am riddled with fear of putting my own children through the same thing, by my own bad choices several decades ago.

How do I learn to cope with this for the rest of my life? Any advice and wisdom is welcome.

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- - May 1, 2017 at 10:02 pm
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  stevenallenschwartz
  Participant
  Hopefully you were unaware of the damage you were doing when you solicited tanning salons. That being said, guilt is a useless feeling; learn from the past and move on.
  - May 1, 2017 at 11:51 pm
    
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    Firepoppi
    Participant
    
    I was aware of it in the abstract – i.e., knew it was harmful, but thought it wouldn't "be a big deal" or happen to me. Once I caught the gravity of my consequences in my late 20s, I stopped immediately and did a total 180 in my approach to UV exposure.
    
    Any specific tips for moving past the guilt?
- - May 2, 2017 at 12:45 am
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  Marksa2570
  Participant
  Some on here have melanoma despite limited sun exposure but many of us led similar lives to one extent or another. What's done is done… you can't change the past. All you can do is be diligent in your body scans and be strong for your daughters. Living with grief/guilt/worry probably isn't great for your immune system. I occasionally get mad at myself for the stupid stuff I did in my 20's but I am also beyond grateful I caught mine as a Stage I. The gratitude is what I hold onto and it feels a lot better. Be strong and smart for those around you and teach your daughters to be sun-smart so they don't have to deal with this
- - May 2, 2017 at 1:58 am
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  Janner
  Participant
  Your risk is a relative risk. Having had a history of tanning beds and a few atypical nevi increases your risk. But it isn't "cummulative". Each risk is relative and in the statistics world, doesn't just "add up" and mean you will get melanoma.
  
  Think of it this way, you know how to be sun smart now, you know how to raise your children to be sun smart. You know to see a dermatologist. Honestly, that's a huge leg up on a vast majority of the population. Every month, you do a quick skin check and watch your moles for change. If, for some reason, you notice some, you have a biopsy. That's it. It doesn't mean you will ever get melanoma if you are vigilant (but the key is NOT obsessive). And if you possibly do end up with melanoma, you'll catch it early where survival rates are extremely high. I have had 3 melanomas, all caught at stage 1 or 0. The first one was 25 years ago. Think of all the life wasted if I would have spent all those years feeling guilty about those stupid burns I got before I knew better, and even the summer I did the occasional tanning bed when I worked at a gym. It isn't worth it. You've already let melanoma mentally beat you and you've never even been diagnosed. Perspective is needed!
  - May 2, 2017 at 2:31 pm
    
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    SoCalDave
    Participant
    
    I was going to add but Janner you've said it all – perfect.
    
    David
  - May 2, 2017 at 4:33 pm
    
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    Jamie1960
    Participant
    
    Good counsel indeed.
    
    For some of us, the reckoning comes later in life, often past the point when we can pass the lessons on to our own children.
    
    Given the gift of knowledge, it is incumbent on all of us to share what we know.
    
    No one told me, and I wish they had, particularly in school; they told us to brush morning, noon, and night; to eat apples; to not run with scissors; to not swim for 30 minutes after eating.
    
    I don't remember anyone ever mentioning sunscreen.
    
    So here we are; beautiful teeth, 20/20 vision, and that other thing, which no one thought mattered. A possible curse for ourselves, but an irreplaceable blessing for those who will listen.
- - May 3, 2017 at 12:25 am
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  geriakt
  Participant
  Here is the good news as now you know you are at high risk you can go to the dermo every 6 months for exams and get your odd looking moles removed before they even get to stage 2. You can keep it at bay.
  
  Tom
- - May 3, 2017 at 11:09 am
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  raun cesar
  Participant
  All you have to do is being determined throughout the treatment. Prepare your daughters for the sun Good Luck!!
- - May 8, 2017 at 3:33 pm
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  kylez
  Participant
  You might want to look for a psycho-onlogy practice. They're going to be more attuned to cancer-related issues than most normal therapists. For example, http://cancer.ucsf.edu/support/psycho-oncology/ I think some of what you describe (worrying about your children) is something they have worked with other patients about. It sounds like it would be worth pursuing.