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REVISED – ‘Let’s talk about sex, baby!’ <- I couldn't help myself.
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REVISED – ‘Let’s talk about sex, baby!’ <- I couldn't help myself.

› Forums › General Melanoma Community › REVISED – ‘Let’s talk about sex, baby!’ <- I couldn't help myself.

  • Post
    • October 3, 2014 at 6:30 pm
    holy moly melanomy
    Participant

      Not sure what happened with the other TWO postings, I wish there was a way to edit/delete topics, I accidentally posted them without putting the subject/title in there.  Anyways:

       

      I will do my best to make a very long story short. 

      I have Melanoma and recently had yet another scare (I had, what I am hoping to have been, a lipoma removed from my back last week – still waiting on path results).  My husband felt the mass on Labor day, it was about 3-4cm in diameter and about an inch or so under my scar from my primary.  Any lump, bump or mass on us people with Melanoma is completely terrifying for obvious reasons.  So, needless to say, this month has basically been mentally hell.

      Now a little bit about my husband.  He has low testosterone and gets bi-weekly injections to combat this.  With these injections comes a crazy sex drive.  Let’s connect the dots…

      Since my diagnosis a year and a half ago I have not been as ‘frisky’ as I was.  We are married – been together for 10 years – our sex life isn’t what it was like during the first 3 years together.  The most unfortunate side effect from Melanoma has been the constant fear of that nasty beast coming back and as I am sure all of you are aware, that thought never travels too far from view. 

      I am already emotionally shut off (which is why I tend to write my feelings – this is why my blog has helped me through this whole shit-show).  I like to joke that I am a phenomenal ‘wall builder’ and essentially use that as a defense mechanism.  During times when I am freaked out about one thing or the other, I close right up like a clam.  Sex can be so far from my thought process – and half the time my husband has been drinking and that doesn’t help the situation either.  We’ve been fighting quite a bit lately about this…our fights can be nasty and he tends to throw out the “D” word (divorce).  It’s exhausting and frustrating and I just wish it would stop.  But just simply wanting it to stop doesn’t “turn me on” – especially when we’re in the middle of one of these nasty arguments. 

      My question is how to help this?!  Have you dealt with this and how? 

      ~(lack of sex)ually frustrated  

    Viewing 11 reply threads
    • Replies
        • October 4, 2014 at 12:19 am
        washoegal
        Participant

          A lump a bump near your scar isn't unusual, could be a lot of things.  It hasn't been that long since your WLE so it may very well be related to that.  At stage 1 I wouldn't freaking out, just have it checked out.

          Regarding your other issues, though you may not consider yourself the great communicator, you and your husband could definitely benefit from counseling.  Either together or separately.  If he won't go, go yourself and figure out what and who you want in your life.

          Good Luck,

          Mary

          • October 4, 2014 at 12:19 am
          washoegal
          Participant

            A lump a bump near your scar isn't unusual, could be a lot of things.  It hasn't been that long since your WLE so it may very well be related to that.  At stage 1 I wouldn't freaking out, just have it checked out.

            Regarding your other issues, though you may not consider yourself the great communicator, you and your husband could definitely benefit from counseling.  Either together or separately.  If he won't go, go yourself and figure out what and who you want in your life.

            Good Luck,

            Mary

            • October 4, 2014 at 12:19 am
            washoegal
            Participant

              A lump a bump near your scar isn't unusual, could be a lot of things.  It hasn't been that long since your WLE so it may very well be related to that.  At stage 1 I wouldn't freaking out, just have it checked out.

              Regarding your other issues, though you may not consider yourself the great communicator, you and your husband could definitely benefit from counseling.  Either together or separately.  If he won't go, go yourself and figure out what and who you want in your life.

              Good Luck,

              Mary

              • October 4, 2014 at 12:53 am
              JoshF
              Participant

                As far a lipomas go…I have had them…doc was really confident when he took them out but of course they went to path to confirm….they just have a different feel than a tumor…at least mine did.

                I understand the part of claming up and waiting for shoe to drop….I lived it in 2011 when I just had the WLE and SNB. It wasn't healthy for me or the people in my life….I went to get help. About a year ago I progressed to Stage 4 and went through treatment and have been doing well…currently NED. I can't say I'm perfect but I don't think I clam up anymore…I certainly worry alot because of past statistics and what a Stage 4 diagnosis meant. Things are changing and the people on this forum have been helpful as well. Mary is right that you need to find ways to communicate and open specifically with your spouse. It's ok to be afraid by you need to find ways to cope and not lose connection with people…not easy but there is help. My oncologist says I struggle with "survivor's burden"….either way we're always asking why me. Like I said, be afraid but don't let fear rule your life….it can cause a lot of unecessary pain & suffering.

                Best,

                Josh

                • October 4, 2014 at 12:53 am
                JoshF
                Participant

                  As far a lipomas go…I have had them…doc was really confident when he took them out but of course they went to path to confirm….they just have a different feel than a tumor…at least mine did.

                  I understand the part of claming up and waiting for shoe to drop….I lived it in 2011 when I just had the WLE and SNB. It wasn't healthy for me or the people in my life….I went to get help. About a year ago I progressed to Stage 4 and went through treatment and have been doing well…currently NED. I can't say I'm perfect but I don't think I clam up anymore…I certainly worry alot because of past statistics and what a Stage 4 diagnosis meant. Things are changing and the people on this forum have been helpful as well. Mary is right that you need to find ways to communicate and open specifically with your spouse. It's ok to be afraid by you need to find ways to cope and not lose connection with people…not easy but there is help. My oncologist says I struggle with "survivor's burden"….either way we're always asking why me. Like I said, be afraid but don't let fear rule your life….it can cause a lot of unecessary pain & suffering.

                  Best,

                  Josh

                  • October 4, 2014 at 12:53 am
                  JoshF
                  Participant

                    As far a lipomas go…I have had them…doc was really confident when he took them out but of course they went to path to confirm….they just have a different feel than a tumor…at least mine did.

                    I understand the part of claming up and waiting for shoe to drop….I lived it in 2011 when I just had the WLE and SNB. It wasn't healthy for me or the people in my life….I went to get help. About a year ago I progressed to Stage 4 and went through treatment and have been doing well…currently NED. I can't say I'm perfect but I don't think I clam up anymore…I certainly worry alot because of past statistics and what a Stage 4 diagnosis meant. Things are changing and the people on this forum have been helpful as well. Mary is right that you need to find ways to communicate and open specifically with your spouse. It's ok to be afraid by you need to find ways to cope and not lose connection with people…not easy but there is help. My oncologist says I struggle with "survivor's burden"….either way we're always asking why me. Like I said, be afraid but don't let fear rule your life….it can cause a lot of unecessary pain & suffering.

                    Best,

                    Josh

                    • October 4, 2014 at 4:14 am
                    Squash
                    Participant

                      I think you would benefit from doing something called EFT.

                      In fact all melamona patients could benefit from this.

                      Basically it looks at releasing blocked emotions that may be trapped in your sub conscious.

                      If you google it you might be able to find a practioner near to help you through this.

                       

                       

                       

                       

                      • October 4, 2014 at 4:14 am
                      Squash
                      Participant

                        I think you would benefit from doing something called EFT.

                        In fact all melamona patients could benefit from this.

                        Basically it looks at releasing blocked emotions that may be trapped in your sub conscious.

                        If you google it you might be able to find a practioner near to help you through this.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                        • October 4, 2014 at 4:14 am
                        Squash
                        Participant

                          I think you would benefit from doing something called EFT.

                          In fact all melamona patients could benefit from this.

                          Basically it looks at releasing blocked emotions that may be trapped in your sub conscious.

                          If you google it you might be able to find a practioner near to help you through this.

                           

                           

                           

                           

                          • October 6, 2014 at 11:25 pm
                          DZnDef
                          Participant

                            The sex question seems pretty cut and dried to me.  Are you interested in staying married to your husband?  Then have sex with him.  If you don't feel like it, then just lie there and make him do all the work, but have sex with him.  Men don't ask for much from us.  But if they don't get that one thing, all bets are off.

                            So there's my philosophy on a happy marriage in a nutshell.

                            Maggie

                            • October 6, 2014 at 11:25 pm
                            DZnDef
                            Participant

                              The sex question seems pretty cut and dried to me.  Are you interested in staying married to your husband?  Then have sex with him.  If you don't feel like it, then just lie there and make him do all the work, but have sex with him.  Men don't ask for much from us.  But if they don't get that one thing, all bets are off.

                              So there's my philosophy on a happy marriage in a nutshell.

                              Maggie

                              • October 6, 2014 at 11:25 pm
                              DZnDef
                              Participant

                                The sex question seems pretty cut and dried to me.  Are you interested in staying married to your husband?  Then have sex with him.  If you don't feel like it, then just lie there and make him do all the work, but have sex with him.  Men don't ask for much from us.  But if they don't get that one thing, all bets are off.

                                So there's my philosophy on a happy marriage in a nutshell.

                                Maggie

                            Viewing 11 reply threads
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