Hello – when I first started reading your post, it sounded very similar to my thoughts after my husband passed away. He too had melanoma that metastasized to his intestines. He ended up with malignant ascites and was retaining fluid due to the Peritoneal Carcinomatosis. I beat myself and questioned every single decision made along his 7 year long journey, as I was his caregiver and I felt 100% responsible for his outcome.
I had to constantly tell myself that ‘I do not have that much control’ and that I also am not a medical doctor…or God. I now try to focus on what I DID do for him (I keep a list handy) and that helps me when I have moments of doubt. 4 years later I tell myself daily that I did the best I could with what I knew at any given point in time. When you are in the situation of a loved one passing, you are dealing with so much – emotional stress, making decisions, trusting the doctors, mourning the impending loss. The fact that you were there, you looked out for him as an excellent caregiver, you only wanted what was best for him, and you didn’t want him in pain, speaks volumes. Try to be kind to yourself – I know it’s hard. Your dad is blessed to have you as his daughter.
