kenpochick

Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your daughter.

As it turns out, and this would explain my initial posts a bit, my x lied about the whole thing.  I went to his doctor to get a hospice referral because, according to him, he was 'circling the drain'.  The doctor thought I was nuts.  My X did intially have melanoma, had surgery and they got it all.  He has had clean reports ever since. 

It was never in his lymph nodes, nor did he have interferon.  He just told everyone that to explain his drunken absences from work.  He wanted sympathy and attention from everyone and was using the lie so people would all feel sorry for him and perhaps looks past the rest of his horrid behavior.

He sent me a suicide text and email late at night and when I received them and went down there to see what was up, he was fine.  When asked about it, he said, "Oh, I tried.  Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning."  He looked better than usual.

When our daughter expressed her anger, he threatened to write her out of his non-existent will and give everything to her brother.  He had gone so far as to give me medical power of attorney, have me do his banking, etc.  My daughter and I went to his house, cleaned his bowls of vomit, and made the place less disgusting to make him feel better.  I was giving my daughter a talk about how important it is to help people when they need it, even if they don't necessarily deserve it — and then I found out he lied. 

He had told his family, friends and co-workers.  He went all out.  I was really angry when I found out, but for him, it's just another one of those 'things that he's done.'  Sadly, his oldest brother died abruptly from a heart attack about 6 weeks later.

He still doesn't quite get it why the kids don't want to speak to him and why we aren't 'over it' already.  I had thought a few of the things he said sounded fishy, but I didn't know enough about melanoma to know for sure.  Faking illness for sympathy is an insult to those who genuinely are ill or are loving someone who is ill.

Sorry to have bothered you all with what turned out to be a tall tale.

Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

Wowza!  That's ridiculous!  I'll mention cobra to him, but he also has no money because he lost his job.  No unemployment is likely and he has blown all of his money on alcohol and distractions of the moment.  It's such a weird feeling.  When I was diagnosed, I was shocked (of course), but I knew I'd kick it eventually.  I've never met anyone who was so resigned.  His situation is dire to the point where I don't think he could've engineered it better if he'd written it out ahead of time.

Thank you.  That's good information. 

My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

Thank you.  That's good information. 

My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

Thank you.  That's good information. 

My X adds drama to everything.  He has said he was dying from TIAs and has thought he had a heart attack many times, as well as seizures. Thus the drama aspect.  When he was first diagnosed, he did get support.  Then he said that he needed a second surgery because the first wasn't healing right.  If he'd been honest, he would've gotten more support.  He said it has been two years since his first surgery.  I thought it had been a year. 

My kids are old enough to understand. I talked a bit to my older one because she's the most angry with him and will likely need more time to process his possible death. Both kids are very angry with him, so it's not like they are wanting to spend time with him.  He lives very close by, but they rarely see him.  This is because he's drunk most of the time.

I'm not surprised he lost his job either, but for other reasons than the interferon.  That just compounds the issue.

Ultimately, all I've wanted for him is to find peace within himself and stop drinking so he can be a happier person and be the father to my kids that they deserve to have. However, that's not likely to happen. Losing his job when he did, on top of everything else, has made it  monumentally worse.

I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

I talked to my X this morning and he's a lot more calm.  He said the lymph nodes are involved and he feels it's going to just keep coming back.  I mentioned to him some of the treatment options and that if he wants to heal himself from this, he's going to have to confront his demons and fight like hell.  He said he doesn't know if he's up to it.  I'm starting to think he's being truthful this time.  I'm a 'do' first and 'feel' later person, so I like to see what needs doing first.

My X has no passion for life and that's the problem.  I'm really not a cold person at all — quite the opposite, but I'm also not someone who is going to try and push him into doing something he doesn't want to.  I can't fix his misery.  Kudos to the above-person who has more passion for life and other people.  I can relate. 

He told me first that he was given 6 months to 18 months and then said probably a year and then said he didn't know. He doesn't have any insurance at the end of this month and the idea of going on public assistance for his medical treatment is something he won't do.  He's a grown-up and can decide for himself.  This is why I was trying to get an idea what happens if someone does nothing.  None of you are in that situation, obviously, or you wouldn't be on a forum.

I'm getting that the answer is 'it depends' and 'there's no way to tell.'  I also had wanted to know what to expect because his family is useless as far as helping him, and he doesn't really have any friends.  I find it frustrating what he has done with and to his life, but I can't change it.  Not possible.  I'm a generally optimistic person, but he has a way of sucking that right out.

Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.

Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.

Thank you.  No, I'm not trying to be harsh.  The post above the one I responded to said that I was getting too wrapped up in trying to help him and control him. I'm not.  This is a group of people who are fighting for their lives and have a reason to live.  I have been there myself.  I had Hodgkins Lymphoma 18+ years ago and I was the sickest person Stanford had ever had with it and they specialize in it.  I was walking death.  However, I did everything I could to fight my way back to health.  Body, mind and spirit.  And I won.

If my X was the least bit interested in living and trying to survive, I'd support him.  You don't know him.  He gave up on life long before the diagnosis and has not only been totally miserable for the last 7 years, but has made mine and our children's lives miserable as well.

I was asking because he lies a lot.  He has lied about heart attacks, strokes and many other ailments over the last 5 years.  All lies.  He lied about the cancer being gone and he has lied about so many things that I'm trying to get my facts straight. 

He just lost his job because of his alcoholism and missed work.  He has no insurance as of the end of this month.  He continues to drink and has no interest in getting better.  He has life insurance that has an expiration date (which he also lied about) and he wants to take care of his kids, but he certainly doesn't want to go any sooner than necessary.  It's difficult and complicated.  I don't want to alarm the kids that their dad may not be around if he's over-stating it. 

For those of you fighting cancer, I have total confidence that you can beat anything you set your mind to. I don't know much about melanoma.  Other kinds of cancer, I can suggest a ton of alternative additional treatments, but for this one, I don't know.  I assume that those of you here are taking or helping with someone who is taking treatments, probably doing meditation, affirmations, herbal supplements, body cleanses, etc.  He's not.  That's why I'm asking.  You all have a wonderful shot at kicking this cancer's butt.  He doesn't.  He has said he has no interest in living and there's nothing I can do about that.

And yes, there are legal, financial and emotional considerations.  Lots of them.  I have to talk to my kids about this at some point and this is a terrible thing to have to talk to them about.  He's not like you all here and I'm sorry if I offended you.  I was offended when I was told I was too wrapped up in trying to control what he does.  He has a mind of his own and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.  I tried to suggest to him some systematic enzyme treatment that seems to be healing my fibroid and my lymphedema, but he shot it down before I finished my sentence.  I'm his X wife and I'm still the only one he has to call for help, so I help him whether I want to or not because he's the father of my kids. 

I'm just trying to get some information.  I'm trying to find out what happens if someone just does nothing.  I assume you all have researched it and know what COULD happen, so as to avoid it.  I certainly did when I was ill.  That's all I'm asking.